MICHELLE’S STORY

Nothing that stays hidden ever heals

 
 

Ever since I can remember, I've been using writing to process my life. As a kid, I sat in trees, listening to mixed tapes and writing poetry. I hid journals under mattresses and wrote letters to everyone I loved. I have always been someone who has felt deeply and who has sought to uncover life's meaning. 

My heart bled for strangers before I knew what an empath was. 

I felt the longing of my soul constantly pulling me, but I didn't know what it meant or what to do with it. I got the message that my big feelings were too much for everyone around me. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with them, so I spewed them all over the house and everyone in it.

Becoming numb is a gradual process. Throughout my teenage years my emotions were volatile, uncontainable, and made me feel like there was something terribly wrong with me. I got the message that my mind was a good one, though, so I started to give it more of my attention. By my 20s my emotions were mostly tucked away, hard for me to even sense them anymore. 

Because I didn’t know how to listen to my intuition or process my emotions, I decided to ground myself in the world by emulating qualities I liked. I wanted to be strong, confident, outgoing, and independent.

So I became those things. Or I should say I pretended to be those things. To embody those qualities would require me to face the fear that I wasn’t lovable or worthy, but I wasn’t interested in becoming a better person.

You can only hide for so long before life begins to confront you with the challenges that will guide you to your soul’s lessons.

The thing about me is I never wanted to learn soul lessons.

I wanted to do what I wanted to do. Life was just not cooperating with me, and it was obvious. I was stuck in my career. Money wasn't flowing. I was picking fights with my boyfriend. I didn't like my living situation. I was grinding my teeth every night.

Deep inside I felt this horrible feeling like I wasn't living the life I was here to live.

Then I met my greatest teacher:
my own breath.

In 2013, I was guided to begin a Breathwork practice, and it changed the trajectory of my life. At the time, I remember thinking, "How the hell is breathing going to change my life?"

This was back before everyone became a Breathwork teacher and it was still a weird thing to do. I’d never heard of Breathwork before, and I would quickly discover that this breathing technique was not about relaxing. It was about healing. It was about opening my heart and discovering the truth about myself. And that's what I did. 

The truth I found was that I was terrified that I was wasn't good enough for anyone. I wasted so much time living in my head. I questioned everything I said and did, always afraid I had made the wrong move. I stayed in relationships that were clearly wrong for me for far too long. I was deeply insecure and lost, but pretended (to the world and myself) to be strong and confident. 

I was stunned to discover that I had much more work to do on myself than I could have ever imagined.

Eventually I found myself transitioning from running a graphic design business to helping other people heal through my writing and 1:1 healing sessions. I thought I was moving into the era where I had it all figured out and everything I wanted was coming to fruition.

As would become a theme for me: life had other plans.

In 2016, I went through a blindsiding breakup that catalyzed a Dark Night of The Soul. All of the emotional pain I was unconsciously avoiding bubbled to the surface. I fell into an extremely deep depression and began the grueling journey of reclaiming the lost parts of myself.

I have never been as emotionally low in my life as I was during that time, and it was for good reason. I was being initiated into the path of mastering self-love, and my spirit would not let up until it was complete.

Years of grieving, suffering, and freeing myself over and over again lead me to the other side where so much love was flowing out of my heart that the fear could no longer keep it shut.

For over a decade I have had the honor of helping others heal. My commitment to my own spiritual transformation is the way my soul is here to serve. The more I learn and grow, the more I have to offer others.

There were a few years post Dark Night of The Soul that I felt like I was really flowing with life. Living through self-love is a radically different relationship to life—one that is trusting and steady.

It turns out I was about to move into the second biggest crisis of my life.

In early 2023, I experienced my first pain flare. I had been having tension headaches off and on for years. Around 2020 and 2021 the consistency increased until I woke up in February of 2023 to catch a flight to Australia, and I questioned if I would be able to make it to the airport. My first lesson in this level of Soul School:

Pain will get louder until you learn to discern its message.

How bad was it?

One beautiful summer Saturday the birds chirping outside my window sent pain shooting through my body.

I sunk into despair as I tried to resolve the pain that became chronic. My life shrunk down. I stopped doing group workshops. My energy was lower than ever before, the pain flares became more regular, and I was miserable.

I had a really difficult time understanding, after so many years of deep healing work and with such deep love for myself, how I could be experiencing this. It took me a year just to understand that my unconscious was communicating through my body, and it took me another year to master the lessons that were coming through my physical body.

I had already gotten my PHD in emotional pain, and now I was learning the relationship between the unconscious mind and the body as well as the spiritual lessons that came with it.

Whenever I have resisted what was emerging through me, I’ve suffered. Acceptance of what is and surrender into my pain has lead me to wisdom I never could have accessed otherwise. And that becomes a gift I get to share with others.

I don’t think it’s important to look deeply inward,
I think it’s necessary.

It's necessary if you want to understand what your whole being is communicating to you. It’s necessary if you want to relieve your anxiety and depression, if you want to let go of your pain, if you want to find peace. Learning how to expand your capacity to tenderly hold the hurt in your heart makes space for you to access more love.

This path of looking inward is challenging because of the deep feelings we’ve suppressed and need to process. It’s challenging because the ego is strong and will do anything it can to dupe us into taking the easy route (which ironically leads to more struggle and suffering). 

The journey to your heart will find you at the right time. If you’re reading this and you’re struggling in the depths of physical pain, heartbreak, or despair, know that there is more waiting for you on the other side. I’ve been pushed up against wanting it all to end and found my way to loving and appreciating every moment of this life—even the painful ones.

If you’re new to my work and want to experience what it’s like to be guided by me, I recommend first scheduling a Breathwork healing session. I work with people all over the world, and I’d be honored to support you.

 

“Michelle, I've been meaning to say how much I enjoy your writing and your honesty. We all subscribe to so many different newsletters at times in our lives but yours is one I always actually read and always come away feeling a little lighter and brighter a little more connected. Thank you."”

— Lucy

 

R E A D M Y N E W S L E T T E R

Monday Messages

I’ve been writing a newsletter most Mondays for over ten years. Click the link below to enroll for free.