When You're Doing the Work & It Still Feels Hard

There are things in life we can control and things we can't. I'd argue that one of the things we're here to learn is how to master what we can control in a way that serves the highest parts of ourselves. In other words, it's your work to change your perspective and your attitude in order to create the life that serves your highest good.

Notice that I'm not saying, "to create the life you want." Sometimes, the things we want aren't for our highest good. Sometimes we want to stay in relationships that don't honor our growth. Sometimes we want to be an "influencer" to finally make us feel worthy or boost our egos.

Sometimes the things that serve our highest good are the experiences that we'll do anything to avoid.

We often control aspects of ourselves and our lives in order to stay out of pain or discomfort. We do this because, well, pain is unpleasant. But we also do this because we're afraid we're not worthy of something better. Many of us don't trust that we're supported and that something better is on its way to us.

I have learned this lesson the hard way, many times over. I have created my own suffering by resisting my pain and perpetuating old patterns and belief systems that kept me stuck in lack and fear. 

Eventually, I made my way through. I committed to relentless healing, and I learned the most difficult lessons of acknowledging my worth and truly trusting that I am supported (in spite of things not happening in my desired timeline).

I spent far too much time complaining to myself and others that, "I've been doing this work for so long!" and, "All I do is cry!" and, "But what if it doesn't happen for me?" oh, and I can't forget about, "But when is he gonna get here?"

The tales we tell ourselves about our healing journey impact the journey itself.

When I would tell myself that I have been doing this work for so long, what I was really saying was, "I should be somewhere else by now." When I really broke that down I found that even if intellectually I knew there was no finish line, a part of me hoped there was one. And who can blame me? This shit (a.k.a. being with your emotions) can be intense. 

When I told myself that all I do is cry, I was letting my dramatic side shine through. No shame in that. Drama can serve us well in clearing deeper layers of emotions. Crying on the daily can actually feel cleansing instead of burdensome. I had to learn how to allow my sadness to move through me with love instead of judgment to allow myself to see its beauty and learn its wisdom.

When I wondered if it would ever happen for me, I was speaking from the 12-year-old version of myself who somehow took on (or reconnected with) the belief that she'd been forgotten and abandoned for good. I had to nurture that part of myself on repeat and teach her to take up space, live in a humble heart, and claim her worth.

When I wondered when he would get here I was challenging the divinity of my life timing. There are times when we really want things to happen a certain way or at a certain time. I had to repair my relationship with Spirit to trust that it is all happening and in the time that serves my greater good. Sometimes we can only see how perfect it all is in hindsight, but we can learn to trust in it before it's clear.

I will say this on repeat if necessary: There is no finish line to healing.

You chose this, whether you remember that you did or not, and now you're here. So get in the game and do your work. If you’re truly showing up, willing to take responsibility for what’s within you consistently, and you’re looking inward more than you’re looking out, and you don’t see things changing than you’re focusing on the wrong thing.

I get this, and I have been there. It's incredibly easy to miss our growth when we're in it, but it's even easier to miss it because we're focusing on the pain and the speed of the results. This will get you stuck if you continue in this space.

If you focus on your pain more than on your blessings you’ll see more pain.

You have to be willing to have amusement with the life process otherwise it’s going to be harder to get through the challenging moments. So what if there are more tears? These are more layers inside yourself that you get to explore. You’re setting free more false beliefs which makes you freer.

I'm going to offer you a practice that I still work with to this day that has helped me see the magic of co-creation with the Universe. I recognize that when I acknowledge something, it grows. I don't want my pain to grow, so I don't make a problem out of it. This is not spiritual bypassing because I am doing shadow work on the regular (Breathwork is shadow work). 

The practice is to write down everything I notice that is related to healing the wound or belief I am working with until it clears. Nothing is too small because everything is a communication with the universe.

For example, if I’m working with the wound of loneliness (which is related to beliefs of being unsupported and unworthy), I would slow down and paying really close attention to everything happening in my experience. I’d notice (and write down) the dog that approaches me panting and wagging her tail, the stranger who smiles sweetly, the text from my Dad saying, “Hi, beautiful,” the small note from a friend saying she misses me, and anything else that registers are support, love, or the antidote to loneliness.

For those new to healing work, I suggest writing down anything that you interpret to be a sign from the Universe even if you only partly believe it. When you begin to work through specific wounding you can keep track of everything that is coming through to teach you that lesson. 

When it feels like nothing is changing in our lives, it’s more important than ever to open our eyes and choose to focus on the things that are actually happening. When we feel lonely, we might dismiss the casual friend complimenting us or the continued support from someone we might be taking for granted.

You are not in complete control of your healing journey, but you have much more control than you believe.